Is This Goodbye?
by Guardian Angel
Summary: A glimps into Max's thoughts during "Blah Blah, Woof Woof." Spoilers.


**Is This Goodbye?**

**By Guardian Angel (eyes_only1@yahoo.com)**

**Summary: My take on Max's thoughts during "Blah Blah, Woof Woof." (Yes, this contains spoilers.)**

**Rating: PG-13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of them, I'm just borrowing them for a little bit. ;-) **

**Author's notes:Why do I even bother anymore?There I was, *trying* to sleep, so that I could get better, and *this* is what happened…*lol* Of course I couldn't even think about sleep until I wrote part of this down, it just kept floating around in my head…Seems to be happening more and more to me!**

Thanks Mandy!You're a miracle! ;-)

*****

_"You're all I want,_

_You're all I need,_

_You're everything,_

_You're everything._

_ _

_And how could I ,_

_Stand here with you,_

_And not be moved by you?_

_ _

_Would you tell me,_

_How could it be,_

_Any better than this?_

_ _

_And how could I ,_

_Stand here with you,_

_And not be moved by you?_

_ _

_Would you tell me,_

_How could it be,_

_Any better,_

_Any better than this?"_

-Lifehouse, "Everything"

*******

"I'll miss you."_Logan couldn't bring himself to look at me as he said this._

_Three little words, capable of containing the most innocent or the most important meaning in the world, depending on how they are spoken.Gods, why does it have to be like this?Just when I finally found someone who I can trust, who I can reveal my true self to, why the hell must I give him up?If there is a god, he must have one warped sense of humor.It's just not fair! _

_ _

_He's sitting there, still not able to look me in the eye as he waits for me to say something.I want to answer him, to tell him that I'll miss him too, let him know I care.But for some reason I can't seem to force the words out of me._

_ _

_Logan…I care, I really do.I hope you know that, even if I can't bring myself to tell you in so many words.You're the best friend I've ever had._

_ _

"You could always ditch it all and go on the lamb with me.Great way to visit exotic places, meet new people…"_Finally I managed to force words through my clogged throat.Not exactly what I intended, but hopefully he understands what I'm trying to say._

_I see him smile slightly out of the corner of my eye before he answers."I'll just slow you down."_

"That's ok."_Can he hear the desperation in my voice, the hope? _

_ _

"I have to go back.Someone has to watch out for the downtrodden. Blah blah, woof woof, right?" _He has that adorable little half smile on his face as he tries to make light of the situation.I know he's trying to make it easier, like it's not such a big deal…but no matter how hard he smiles, how many jokes he cracks, I can see the pain he tries to hide in his eyes.It's the same for me; I wonder if he knows that.I wish I could get over this fear I have of sharing my emotions.Just be honest for once, and tell him exactly how I feel.But for some reason I can't, I guess Manticore training went deeper then I thought._

_I smile slightly as he tosses my own words back at me."Right."__The word is little more than a whisper.I knew he wouldn't come with me, but still, I couldn't help but hope.After spending a lifetime avoiding serious emotional entanglements, how did he manage to slip under my guard in a matter of weeks?He shouldn't mean this much.Gods.Now I know why Lydecker always preached to us about staying free of relationships with others, it hurts so damn much to let him go._

_ _

_Unable to think of anything else to say, desperately willing myself not to cry- I never cry- I open the car door and step out._

_ _

"Take care of yourself."_I can feel his gaze on my back as I refuse to turn around._

_ _

"You too."__

_ _

_I start to walk away._

_ _

_What the hell are you doing, Max?Are you really giving him up?Without ever showing him how you really feel?It's not like you have anything to lose at this point, you'll never see him again._

_ _

_God the truth hurts._

_I stop for a moment, indecisive, before making up my mind.Turning around I walk quickly back to the car.I must be insane; it's crazy for me to even contemplate what I think I'm about to do.I can see the puzzlement in his eyes as I approach, the poor guy has absolutely no idea what's in store for him.He's got that look on his face, I can practically hear him asking himself, "What the hell is she doing?" as I reach in the open window and frame his face with my hands.The confusion turns into astonishment as I touch my lips to his… _

_ _

_…and time spins out, seconds seem to last for years, as we kiss.Nothing else registers in my brain except the feel of his mouth under mine, the strength of his hand as he grips my head to deepen the kiss, assuming more control. _

_ _

_Is this what it's supposed to be like?Is this what all the romantics rave about?I've kissed men before and it's never been anything like this.If love is anything like this then maybe all that mushy crap isn't completely bunk.Maybe, just maybe, it might be worth it._

_ _

_We both pour our emotions into the kiss, desperate to cling to that one moment, to make it perfect._

_ _

_Finally we separate.His hand is still in my hair; mine still cup his face.Our gazes meet for a second. I see my own pain mirrored in his eyes.No matter what might be between us, the possibilities the future might've held, it's too late now.Instead of a kiss of promise, it's a kiss of goodbye.We both know this._

_ _

"Just go."

_I sense what he's trying to say beneath the harsh words.I know that if I don't go now, I won't be able to.I study his face for a few more seconds, trying to imprint his image in my mind, so I'll always have it.Not that I really need to, I think his face is permanently burned into my brain already.I know he's doing the same to me._

_ _

_One last, long look, and I straighten, turn, and walk away from the car.Letting him go._

_ _

_Well Max, what did you expect?You thought that a soldier, born and bred, could have a normal life?That's not the way it works, no matter how much you want it to be.Go figure._

_ _

_Whoever claimed life was fair is full of shit._

_ _

_Whoever would've thought that saying goodbye could be this hard?_

_ _

******

Please, let me know what you think! ;-)Reviews are, as always, appreciated.


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